Nice

Perhaps it's odd, but I'm always surprised when anyone tells me I'm a nice person. I don't think I'm a horrible person, and I know I'm not really a mean person. But I am a fairly antisocial person, and whenever I act friendly and polite just because I should I feel like I've somehow tricked everyone.

Right now, I'm surrounded by nice people. An overwhelming mosh pit of friendly, caring, genuine and loving people. It's almost terrifying. And it's welcome weekend, which means I am constantly doing activities with these terrifyingly fantastic people.

I came to Taylor knowing, at least in my head, that I was going to change and grow. But I kept those thoughts separate from the rest of me that thinks I like being a lonely person who tells no one anything and fixes everything herself. When I think of it like that, I can again tell myself I'm not a horrible person. Disaster averted. But it's one short slip and a fall from there to condescension, then looking down on others, and all sorts of secret sins which are so easy to slip into.

Maybe this was buzzing in the back of my mind as I tried to smile and be nice to everyone yesterday and decided I couldn't. I was tired. I wanted to be alone. I was trying not to cry all through the afternoon, and by the time we had all-campus communion, I could only think Please God, help.

I wanted to not only be nice, but love the people around me as I knew they loved me. I could tell, because all the wonderful girls from my dorm took care of me. One prayed for me to have peace. And I found it.

Today is another stressful day, but it's been tempered with understanding. I have to come to rely on the people around me, and more importantly on God. I should have figured out by now that I can't do this on my own. It's not about being nice. It's not about trying to smile. I just need to love these people for who they are -- which is easy enough.

The Beginning

Over half a century ago, a writing group called the Inklings met at an Oxford pub called The Eagle and Child. They met to talk, sometimes to laugh, sometimes for business, and often, I imagine, for pleasure. Though this young American student can't pretend to be an expert on the society, I profess to be greatly inspired by two of the members: Oxford professors J.R.R. Tolkien, and even more so, C.S. Lewis.

I am also a writer.  Not to say I've written anything I've tried to publish or even had anyone but my friends look at, but I want to do some of the things the Inklings did. I want to inspire people with my words. I want to grow to a point where people can hear my voice through my writing and for them to know what I believe. Obviously, C.S. Lewis did this. There are many Christian writers, but he reached a level of truth with such a powerful use of language that there can be no competition in my mind.

Maybe his is a higher star than I'll ever reach. But I'm off to a start.

Tomorrow, I will be moving in at Taylor University, one of the best Christian colleges in the Midwest. I will learn how to make a living as a writer, but I'm also expecting to grow as a Christian. I have so many questions. I think in time I'll have answers, or at least figure out what the real questions are.

So, right now there are three important things in my life I want to be able to share: my writing and where it's taking me, my time at Taylor University and how it will change me, and my growth as a Christian and the things I will learn and struggle with.

This blog will also help me write more often. That's one piece of advice often given to aspiring writers, along with another: write what you know. I love many things and have many interests, and those sorts of things are impossible to separate from the words that come out of you. That's one reason writing is so interesting.

Maybe a blog isn't an adventure, but college is supposed to be, and life as a Christian certainly is. If you want to find out what will happen, stick around. I don't intend to disappoint.